This diary is a little different as it was written by me, Kate Conway, and it comes from a very honest place. Years ago, I walked the halls of my high school feeling invisible. I faced the mirror every morning with the resolution that no one would find me beautiful. The boys weren’t going to notice me. The cute dresses would never fit right.
I’m older now, and even though the idea that “real beauty comes from being a good person with a good personalty” is something I truly believe in, I still have days where that person in the mirror makes me sad. This is my love letter to anyone who has struggled with insecurities of any kind. Which in actuality, is pretty much all of us. These diaries are meant to be the personal thoughts of a young girl pouring her heart out in secrecy. Rose is opening herself up fully, as if no one will ever hear. Take this not as an endorsement of unhealthy thoughts, but as a celebration of honesty and bravery. The very ideals that bring Out with Dad so close to my heart.
Do you struggle with insecurities?
We continue the story of Out With Dad through Rose’s video diaries, while post-production continues on season three. Visit www.outwithdad.com/whenisthenextepisode for more details.
I feel insecure in shorts, swimming costumes and short skirts. I’m just always afraid to wear clothes that are too revealing. Mainly because I’m not thin at all like all of the other girls in my year and just yesterday I got a haircut and a fringe and today everyone was saying stuff like “Aw your fringe is soo nice” “Your fringe really suits you” “You look soo nice” and I was just like “Thanks” but when I came home I looked at myself in the mirror and I felt really uncomfortable when I saw my stomach.
I remember when I was in Primary school a boy asked me “Why are you soo fat?” I tried to ignore him but I felt really upset and ashamed of myself. Now that I’m in high school I WAS hoping that people would be nicer to me and don’t get me wrong a lot of people are but when we were doing social dancing in P.E. no one wanted to be my dancing partner. I was always the last girl to get a partner so I stopped wearing shorts and started wearing leggings (I thought that if I wore something longer and less revealing then someone would dance with me).
There was a school dance I didn’t go because we were going to be doing social dancing and I
(Sorry I don’t know what happened there let me continue). I’m terrible at dancing and no one would want to dance with me. I then promised my friend that I would go next year but of course no one will dance with me.
Some people at school annoy me and I really want to punch them but I will just get in trouble.
This new girl told this boy that I fancy him but I don’t now he seems kind of awkward around me, I don’t know if he believed her or not.
I wish I was a lot thinner. When you said the line “I know this sounds horrible but I wish I was anorexic. At least those girls get to be thin.” That did sound horrible but I sometimes feel the same.
No matter how hard I try I don’t think I’ll get thinner or prettier.
I must say, this is one of your best entries. It really spoke to me. Even though I’m 33, insecurities (especially body issues) abound! My rational mind tells me that being attractive comes in many different forms, whether it be intellectual, emotional, or physical, and everyone’s ideas of beauty can be different. But you’re right, every time we pick up a magazine or turn on the TV, we see this particular ideal of physical beauty held up as the goal we should all, females and males alike, strive for. I also hear the message that I should love myself the way I am, but it’s very hard. At this point, I try to just ignore the insecurities because I know no amount of diet, exercise, or surgery can make me look like “that” standard (my body type just doesn’t allow for it). I try not to think about it too much. I only hope that someday I will accept and enjoy myself the way I am. It’s frustrating beyond words that Western society has so insidiously planted this idea in our heads that even our rational brains can’t drive it out. Now that I’ve said all that… keep up the good work! We need to keep this discussion going if we have any hope of changing things for the better. Thank you!
I do have insecurities about my body. But they’re not like yours or most of the girls. My whole childhood, women around me would tell me things “you’re so lucky, you can eat anything without getting fat” and at puberty, they would keep asking if I was anorexic. But I wasn’t. Actually, I wished I could get a bit fatter so people would stop being mad at me because they were jealous of my shape.
Then I met a few girls who would say that they like women with curves much more than skinny girls with apparent ribcage. I think people say that to discourage anorexia. But that hurt me, I didn’t think I was attractive for a long time, but I just can’t take weight. I was ashamed of my breast, the A cup is too big for me and going bra shopping was a torture, it was hard not to cry.
So I swear being skinny isn’t necessary this much better. I know physically it’s easier, I don’t have to train to stay fit. But I have to be careful with my alimentation so I can at least keep the weight I have. It’s not about eating only junk food, but more to get all the nutriment and energy I need so I don’t burn what I have left of fat. And psychologically, let’s juste say… we’re in a society where the ideal is unreal (photoshop) and it’s really hard to be satisfied about our body, especially as girls.
And I do think, Kate, that you have a healthy and normal weight. Extremes are the real problems and the “normal” is thinner in the media than what it should actually be. I’m sad there isn’t more “normal shaped” girl in the medias. They seem to take many skinny girls and then add one or two obese so they can talk about body issues, but there’s not much in-between. I’m using the word obese because I think while some overweight doesn’t matter this much, there’s a point were fat is really bad for your health and that should not be encouraged.
Hi. I have been struggling a lot with bad skin (witch fortunately is good now). Still, the thing I feel might have been (and still is) a bit of issue is that my body look so frail… I really want to work up some muscle mass, but it’s hard…
I find guys with strong upper bodies much more attractive.
When I was first watching out with dad, I remember thinking that I was really happy that for once the protagonist was a nice, normal looking young woman that I could relate to, having never been supermodel shaped myself. This just reminded me, and I thought I would let you know.
I figure I could just post the link to my full thoughts here https://fedscomic.blogspot.com/2013/11/review-roses-video-diary-10-body-issues.html
I’ve struggled with an eating disorder for almost four years now, and have had body insecurities that I can recall since I was 11, so I can definitely relate to the insecurities that Rose voices in this. I think it’s great that you addressed them, and I think you worded it perfectly at the end. Being gay is hard enough, but being a girl can be pretty shit too.
Hola Kate. Me encanta la webserie, me siento muy identificada en algunas cosas.
Mis inseguridades es que soy lesbiana, pero vivo en un ambiente muy religioso, por lo que me da miedo decirlo y quedarme sola.
Ni yo misma se si lo que soy esta bien o no, ya que dicen que ser homosexual es una enfermedad.
Mi familia, amigos, los circulos en los que me muevo son así y no se que hacer… no me atrevo a dar el paso, porque ni yo estoy segura de que esto este bien… pero soy así, no lo puedo remediar.
Hi Rose/Kate Conway.
To the question “do you struggle with insecurities”? I have quite a lot to say (hope you like reading xD)
I spent my whole puberty being literally invisible at the high school. I haven’t been very keen on making friends (doesn’t mean I’m not sociable), but I always tried my best. No longer after I entered on high school I started to put weigh on, and I thought many times about the anorexia. I feel Rose, really feel her… The only thing that kept me from that was an ex close friend that had already suffered it (yeah, 12 years and anorexic…). Shame on me, I tried smoking, for I was so stupid and desperate. Obviously it never worked.
As the years went by, I accepted myself. I wasn’t hot and never would be. But my brain will do it for me. Still insecure at that “bikini’s time”, but managing it. I learned that I was a good person, with principles, and that’s much more that some can say.
Anyway, I feel so related to Rose’s story… that I feel like if I knew you, I would have hugged you and if you had let me, walk by your side as you learned to love yourself.
Medias, society, parenthood, patriarchy… all of them play a major role in the onseting of anorexia in young minds.
Women of the world, love yourselves, because no matter what you are told, you’re what you decide and let yourself be, and if you let yourselves be lied down, you’ll be wasting the only thing that deserves to be cherished: live.
Thanks for such an amazing job, Rose/Kate Conway. I truly wish I could see you in a near future on tv or more shows (online if possible :P).
Kate, how can you be such an amazing actress? I’m so impressed! I don’t even want to talk about it because you being an actress means that Rose is a fictional character which she is NOT in my head, because, well, you’re so good at what you do. If that makes sense, haha.
Seriously though, this web series is so powerful and the video diaries are even more so. I don’t even know what to say… My ability to express myself through words has left me. Maybe I should record myself laughing and crying hysterically while watching the videos and send it to you. But that would be weird, of course. Oh man, I should just stop typing now.
Out With Dad is so incredible that I literally lose my mind.
Lots of love from Spain 🙂
I am a Brazilian fan who loves this webseries … Congratulations and I so love your work Kate Conway, is to be congratulated, keep it up!
Hi Kate, I am from Brazil and I am your big fan and of Out with dad.
This Video diary is very powerful, sometimes I feel me this way, this web serie is helping a lot of people all around the world, including me. I just want to say Thank You so much Kate, I love you and your Job. Many Hugs From Brazil!
Sorry my english, I am Learning…
Thank you so much for writing and commenting. It’s awesome to hear people are fans of the show. I’m honoured you thought the video was good. It’s such a privilege to be able to relate to people all over the world.
Hugs and kisses from Canada!
I have to say some more, after reading sam’s comment. Of course anorexia is a problem, but i think that some people really think so. We should take the diary critical and think about how some people feel and how they look from inside. So we can see this also as an “wake up call” to be carefull with anorexia.
You again!!! jks 🙂
You’re so right. The point is to acknowledge that young women are actually wishing a deadly mental illness on themselves. You can’t begin to change something until you acknowledge it. Parents and loved ones need to have conversations about body image with their kids to make sure their priorities are positive.
So it’s me again :p
i could say so much but i allways don’t think of everything, now i’m in bed, very tired but i tought that i have to Check out owd again.
Well the point is that it is sad that so many parents don’t Know what is boing on in their kids. And also it is sad how many kids think they are alone while they are not. I’m 17 (nearly 18 :p) but i hear so much of people in my age who are running amok because they fell alone or because other people bullied them. I really don’t understand people who have to bully someone but it is so horrible…
at the end befor i fall asleep i have to say, that i felt like rose was talking to me. The Charakter doesn’t feel fictional and this is the thing every good actor has to challenge and you actually clear the mission 😉 somebody else named it, i don’t know who and i’m sorry but i’m Online with my Smartphone and i’m to lazy to check who it was :p
if some strange words came i’m sorry for the autocorrect from my phone, next time i think of owd befor going to bed :p
hugs from germany :3
And i know that i wanted to say more but i have forgotten what :/
This made me so sad!
I think it’s good that you addressed this issue, since I know that there are people who think these things. It makes me really sad that they do, and I hope every single one of them one day doesn’t feel that way anymore, because I know that it’s a terrible experience for them. I hope that this helps people who feel this way feel less alone, just like the rest of Out with Dad had done for me.
Hi Katie! Nice name, btw.
Thank you for the supportive words. They mean a lot to me and I’m sure anyone struggling with this issue. I also love how OWD is about bringing people out of the darkness so they feel less alone. The new season is coming out soon and support from people like you made it happen. Thank you!
I’m transexual. I have insecurities. I’m fat, got te wrong body and boobs I don’t even want! you’re awesome Kate!! <3
Really hope you’re able to talk to someone about how you feel. You deserve to be who you are and be happy. You’re awesome for watching and commenting on my video. Thanks a million!!!
Lori Durham – Kate was absolutely the most befauiutl bride I’ve ever seen. Mike, take good care of the baby’s sugar momma. A good time was had by all. Hope to see everyone again soon. Love you both.May 19, 2011 9:14 am
I like this one cause I can relate..it does suck being a girl sometimes cause feel like gotta be that prefect fit..I am gay and I have also struggled with a eating disorder..so i like when shows or that rose diary was about not liking how u look cause a lot of us out there that can relate makes us feel like we arent the only ones..I love this show..
It’s not good that people relate to negative feelings about themselves, but being able to share and discuss them is a positive way to deal with them. So glad you like the show. New episodes are coming VERY soon.
Yes i am ready for the new espoides..Cause i know excatly how rose feels..I was in a smiliar spot. being in love with a friend who couldnt decide what she wanted and was to scared to admit she loved me. i waited five years and i eventually had to give up and try and move on.. i met someone new just to have the girl i waited for decide she didnt care what any one thought and told me she wanted to be with me that she was ready. So i was stuck having to decide do i go back to the person i loved and waited for, for five years or stay with the new person who i knew wasnt scared and wanted to be with me and when it got rough i knew wouldnt run away.. Which is a very hard choice. I decided to stay with the new person and walk away from my friend. but i do sometimes wonder if i made the right choice. so this show i feel alot of what rose feels.
or i did sometimes wonder..now i do know i made the right choice..casue the new girl is great. but i can say it was a very hard choice.so im ready to see what happens in season three.
Rose’s Video Diaries keep us all alive until there is more Out With Dad. And I’m incredibly thankful for them. I’m a little confused at some of the comments, as Rose is a fictional character, voicing a young girl’s thoughts. Thoughts that shouldn’t necessarily reflect perfect insight, just thoughts, that cross a person’s mind. Everyone thinks they’re fatter or older than SOMEONE, and further think that the younger or thinner or healthier someone has nothing to feel down about, but feeling too this or too that about yourself, or feeling gross or unappealing, happens to humans no matter how much you weigh or how you’re shaped or how old you are. These feelings occur, and are validated in this short film. They’re just thoughts, people, and portraying them as a character in a piece of art doesn’t make them a formal statement, or the law. They’re just there to entertain and evoke emotions, and perhaps remind some of us of similar thoughts we’ve had ourselves. Bravo, Kate. Be very proud of this piece. Inciting reactions is a success. Way preferable to having an effort causing no reaction. With the vast size of your audience, you cannot possibly please them all.
Rick Dalton, you old so-and so!
You nailed it. You’re right that inciting reactions is a success. It just takes some getting use to. Thanks for all the support. You rule. Simple. As. That.
Catch you on the flippity-flip.
WOW! so powerful Kate. Very proud of you and rose’s diary. it really does open up the diagonal of these hard to talk about issue. i’m behind you 100%. way to go!!
Thanks Reham! Means the world to mean that you dug it. Really, thank you!
At first, nice diary.
I totally think, that real beauty comes from inside. My girlfriend is not very thin, but she is so friendly and kind. I really have no problem with thick people, everything important for a friendship or more is a good charakter. But I hate it, when thin people cry about, how fat they are! I mean, do they even have a mirror or do they just have another opinion of being thin? Sometimes i make fun of my weight, that i’m so fat, but it is so ironic that nobody would think that i would find me to fat. Anyway real beauty comes from inside. “You only see good with the heart, the important things are invisible for the eyes.” (Du siehst nur mit dem Herzen gut, das wesentliche ist für das Auge unsichtbar – Antoine de Saint-Exupéry) I don’t know if it is right translated so i thought it would be good to write it in german too. 😉
So i don’t really have struggle with insecurities, but enough people have. I like to say something to them:
Look at your heart not at your body and you will find something more important than your look.
Being accepted starts by yourself.
Hopefully everybody can understand my bad school english.
I agree that beauty definitely comes from the inside. I find that people who spend all of their times working on their outside don’t have much else to offer. I love being around interesting, intelligent and fun people. It’s nice to know that even though you don’t struggle with insecurities, you want to offer the world a positive message of self love. Thank you very much for that.
I’m sorry, I really, REALLY, loved this show, but I won’t be watching anymore. I understand that you aren’t trying to endorse unhealthy though ts or behaviors, but instead it feels as though you’ve minimized suffering that people with eating disorders go through.
I’m a gay girl who has struggled with an eating disorder for eight years, and part of what I love about this show is how raw it is, but the line ‘sometimes I wish I was anorexic-at least those girls get to be thin’ is what has ended my viewing.
People with anorexia, or any eating disorder, won’t see themselves as thin even if they’re emaciated (which not all are, many people with eating disorders aren’t even underweight), and for many the real issue isn’t about being thin – it’s cultural, control, abuse, family, society, patriarchy, everything everything everything. And this feels like just another show perpetuating the idea that it’s okay as long as you’re thin, let’s forget that 10% of sufferers die and let’s forget that there is so much more suffering than just about a bathing suit,
Many girls have insecurities which do matter, and which shouldn’t be ignored just because someone else has deeper issues, but don’t put them in the same category the way you did.
I’m really sad to hear you will not be watching OWD anymore. This show is meant to open a dialogue about “hard to talk about” subjects. That is what I was attempting to do here, I guess in a way I was successful because you got to speak you mind and you can believe I heard you.
While I never suffered from anorexia, and have no comprehension of how challenging it is to overcome, I wasted many years of my life hating myself. Jason was hesitant about using that line, but I INSISTED that this would not be an honest diary from a 16-year-old’s brain without it. My 16-year-old brain. I’m in my 20’s now and look back on those days with a whole new perspective. I know I’m not the only one who’s had these thoughts, and the purpose of this diary isn’t to trivialize them. As an actress, I want to use my voice to open the dialogue of why people think this way in the first place. I apologize to you if you were offended, but I would rather acknowledge that this thought pattern exists than sugar coat a message that no one will take notice to.
Other than that, I think you’ll be missing out on a really great season. We address a ton of other issues. Jason writing is superb and the other actors’ performances would blow your mind.But it’s your choice and I respect that. I honestly wish you a happy and healthy future.
Yep- It’s not about how people with anorexia view themselves, but about how people with body issues can view anorexia. Wrongly. I heard a girl with body issues that I know say : “I always say I would be anorexic if I would have more motivation”. It really reminded me of what Rose said here.
And Kate- you are really brave, and your reply above was perfect. You are beautiful as teenage Rose and I’m sure you were beautiful when you were a teenager yourself. Too bad that you wasted years on insecurity and that you still feel it sometimes, but at least it leads you to open a dialogue on this issue. Lots of respect!
Thank you I!
Really appreciate the kind words. And you nailed my intention perfectly.
The exact line from the Diary is “I know that this sounds horrible, but I actually wish that I could just be anorexic.” Which is certainly NOT an endorsement of anorexia as a weight-loss plan! Rose says very specifically that it’s a horrible thought! Anyway, well done, Kate! Better than ‘well’ actually. Excellent job Kate!!
“Jason was hesitant about using that line, but I INSISTED that this would not be an honest diary from a 16-year-old’s brain without it. My 16-year-old brain.”
And you did it right, Kate. I totally agree with you.
That line makes the whole piece – which is really great – so strong and sincere. It’s something most of us have *really* thought at some point in life, as teenagers (or even adults). And when we’re teenagers and we’re alone in our thoughts we don’t weigh each word. We just speak as you spoke in this video. And that’s all.
I respect Sam’s point of view, but I think she misinterpreted your message and intention. I can understand her pain and her (over)sensitivity to this subject, but sometimes we must take a step back from our (painful) personal experience and see thing for what they really are.
And OUT is a beautiful show, wonderfully written and performed, who has helped thousands of people all around the world (I’m from Italy, for example) coming out and living better.
Is it really worth stop watching it for a single, misinterpreted word? I don’t think so.
That’s why I hope to see many news Rose’s Video Diaries soon and I hope you Kate we’ll be writing more of them. You’ve got all my support!